Tuesday, May 12, 2009

53 degrees

I have become much more attuned to the changes in the season. Like a squirrel who gathers nuts in autumn in preparation for winter, I also ready my body, both physically and mentally, as I sense a change in the weather.

When the leaves start falling off the trees, I begin calculating how long I have until the return of warmer temperatures. I have determined that we have 6 months of good weather and 6 months of bad. So when daylight savings kicks in, I hit the timer, hunker down and do my best to endure the shorter days of sunshine, colder air and general loss of energy.

But as the cycle nears its end, I begin anticipating all the glorious days ahead of me. Light until nearly 9 o'clock, green grass and budding trees, barbecues on the patio, women who wear less clothing, and warmth.

I'm talking about full body warmth. The kind that eradicates my frozen fingers and toes, my constantly dripping noses, and the poor posture I endured from leaning into cold winds with layers of clothing stacked upon my body.

That proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is real. And what propels me forward is the weather report.

While March is typically the month when spring begins, we all know it's a tease. Temperatures stay in 30's and 40's and the furnace remains on in my house.

Then there's April, probably the cruelest month of the year. April is like a stripper who gets down to her bra and panties, dances provocatively in front of you, takes your dollar and then walks off the stage laughing. What was that? I can stroll through the lingerie department at Macy's and get that from a mannequin.

April has days when the temperatures can reach the 70s and days when it's windy and rainy and in the 40s. April encourages your body to open up like that tulip in your garden, and then bam, it hits you with cold-hearted rawness that deflowers you.

As I write this, it is May and one would think we are well into the heart of spring. But as I drove into work today and listened to the weather report I heard numbers as disappointing as my 401K returns.

"Today will be partly cloudy with gusty winds at time and a high of 53 degrees."

I can take some clouds. I can take some wind. But I can't take frickin' 53 degrees. I can't take it in May, or at anytime for that matter. 53 degrees sucks.

It sucks when we go from fall to winter because it does not provide enough cold to produce a snowflake. And it sucks as we go from winter into spring because it does not provide enough warmth. It's a useless temperature completely devoid of any value. It only sits there to offer discomfort.

One still has to wear a coat because it's just not quite warm enough without one. One can't sit outside at their favorite restaurant because it's too cool to enjoy a meal.

53 degrees screws with my home's heating/cooling system. It's not hot enough to run the air conditioner. And since my house retains some heat, it's not cold enough to run the boiler. It stymies the whole power plant and leaves stagnant air in my home because the blower is not forcing air through the ducts.

If there is a higher being, why would such a deity create a climate that could attain 53 degrees? It is not good for growing crops. It is not even good for flying because at around this temperature ice can begin forming on your wings when at altitude.

One should never live in a climate that has 53 degree days. One should always live in areas that are consistently above or below this evil number.

53 degrees is a memorial of what you are losing from the days of summer and what you are not ready to attain from the days of spring.

53 degrees reminds me that I'm already dead and this is hell.