Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Five Foods of Fun

How many times have you seen those dietary suggestions in the news and the list of the five most important foods you need to eat, or else you will die?


Well, I eat those foods. And I want to die.

  • Oatmeal: Part of the whole grain family. Do you know how boring it is to eat oatmeal every morning? My Quaker Oatmeal (Natural) looks like shredded cardboard flakes and tastes like the paper mache I used to chew on for fun in art class back in the 2nd grade, except the newspaper and starch recipe had more flavor.
  • Salads: The leafy vegetable. Sure, I eat salads but I can only get through them with a ton heavy saturated salad dressing. Do you think I'm nixing any health benefits here?
  • Almonds: Nuts and seeds. A great way to satiate any hunger pains. These little kernels vitamins and omega-3 fats fill me up, and constipate me at the same time.
  • Yogurt: Lowfat milk. Great for my bones but wreaks havoc on my digestive tract. There's a lot of gas build-up here, but thank god for the nuts that block the exit.
  • Tea: The source of antioxidants. Not bad stuff, but I'm so sensitive to caffeine that if I have a cup just after noon, I can't sleep that night.
So why do I put myself through this regimen? So I don't feel guilty when I wolf down a Baconator once in a while. 

The Baconator gets a bad rap, but I believe it has its own unrecognized five groups of healthy food - the bun (whole grains), the lettuce (leafy vegetables), the meat (another constipator and source of vitamins and lots of fat), the cheese (milk products), and the coke the comes with the family meal (full of antioxidants - have you ever seen how coke can cut through paint and metal?).

Go ahead, try it. You're stomach and the spackle build up on your intestines will thank me later.

1 comment:

  1. Bob's Red Mill steel cut oats are the best. Put some banana and almonds and I can have that for breakfast for the rest of my life. Sometimes I substitute peanut butter (crunchy, of course) for the almonds and then it's like dessert!

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