Try this at Home

I was shopping with my current wife at Staples the other day. We were filling up the cart with "staples" and came down the aisle with all the "do-it-yourself" kits - things like create your own Will, or use this template to make a Lease.

I found one called "Divorce Made E-Z". I dropped it casually into our cart (he, he) and let her go up to the register to pay.

I stood a few paces back, pretending to look at some point-of-purchase display - and then the fun began.

"Funny. Very funny. You think this is funny?," she said with a snarl. She spotted me, "Hey, you wanna get this? Go ahead. You'll need it."

The other people in the line looked over to my direction. I froze, looked away. I remembered the advice someone once told to do in an uncomfortable situation - faint.

I was too chicken to fake that one so I just pretended not to listen to the heckler - just another crazy person in Staples.

"Yeah, that's him - in the black fleece," she told everyone. "I know you can hear me. The other people wanna know if I should buy this. Whaddya you want to tell'em?"

I walked further into the store, away from the register, aloof to the whole scene. I looked back briefly. People shook their heads.

At the back of the store, I scanned the wall, the corners. "Where's that fuckin' exit?" I was going to burst out, away from this hell, into the parking lot - to the car that my wife drove us here in.